So I was talking love lives with a female volunteer friend of mine, and she told me about the rather attractive, intelligent, athletic, nice, worldly Ukrainian guy that she's dating. The thing is, they have been dating for two months, and he hasn't even kissed her. She's sure they're dating and it's not a mistaken just-friends thing, because he keeps saying and doing romantic things for her. He acts like they're dating, but he hasn't tried to do anything physical. This is frustrating for her because she's been celibate for some eight months now and would like to get past the whole kissing thing and hurry up and get to the sex, please.
The problem, of course, is that she can't be forward with a Ukrainian guy. I've heard (and she has too) about a fair few Ukrainian men who broke up with women who were too forward, regardless of how open-minded the men were. Susannah's host brother, a cadet in military school, had a Ukrainian girl ask him out by sending him a pizza. He met the girl at a café, pronounced her Playboy-model hot and extremely intelligent, but then decided not to date her because she refused to let him pay for her meal.
And this is how dating in Ukraine works.
You can bet I've paid for every single date Diana and I have been on (which helps to explain my poor status at the moment). She hasn't even done what would be the polite thing in America: offering to pay, knowing that I'd refuse (but were we in America, I'd probably apply the: "I'll get the tickets, you get the popcorn" philosophy). I understand that it's cultural in Ukraine, and so I don't mind paying (although I can't wait to get my apartment so that entertaining consists of cheap home cooked dinners and DVDs instead of restaurants and cafes), but there's a flip side for the girls in Ukraine: they don't pay for anything, but they don't get to decide anything, either.
Letting that girl pay would have paved the way for the girl having too much power in the relationship, and so Susannah's host brother bailed. My other friend is desperate to kiss her guy, but it's Ukraine, so he makes all the first moves.
Is this something we should be trying to change in Ukraine? Well, it is a tight-rope walk. If I suggest that Diana pays for things, it might culturally rub her the wrong way and cause a problem. If my friend becomes more assertive and tries to kiss her guy, it may be a problem for him.
As for Diana and I, in the two months of dating, I have only kissed her and my hands have always stayed on her waist or shoulders. This is because A) I don't want to push things too far too fast when I know that Ukraine has a conservative culture and B) Because we both live with families, we've never had any privacy. Probably B has more to do with my gentlemen tendencies than A, but the result is still the same.
For all I know, Diana wants me to up the tempo, but she can't tell me that because she's Ukrainian and girls aren't supposed to be assertive.
It's hard to change gender roles in a country when you're trying to get some.