Step 1: Budapest is famous for its many baths, so you decide on which bath to go to. Of the two parts of the city, Buda has the oldest baths, pumping up the same thermal waters that created the caves in the Buda hills. Choose Kiraly Baths because, at almost 500 years old, it is the oldest and most traditional of the baths in Budapest, one of only two preserving the original Turkish architecture (or so the guide says). So old and traditional, in fact, that it still has days for men and days for women so the two genders shall never meet.
Step 2: Reading in said guide that the bathing is nude, don only shorts, shirt and cheap Ukranian-bought sandals. Walk to the Buda side from hostel on the Pest side over the Elizabeth bridge.
Step 3: Realize you are hungry and to be so in the bath would be annoying. Decide that you will instead go to one of the closer baths on your map instead of far away Kiraly and find food on the way.
Step 4: Find first nearby bath. It is closed for reconstruction. Only available food is an overpriced, nearly-empty cafe.
Step 5: Find second nearby bath. It is also closed for rennovation. Once again, no nearby food.
Step 6: Cross bridge back to Pest. Eat at Burger King. Hope this does not later add to the jaqcuzzi action of the pools.
Step 7: Walk back to the Buda side. Walk all the way to Kiraly. Sandals start to hurt feet.
Step 8: Spend 15 minutes locating bath, as free map you are using incorrectly has the bath on the wrong block.
Step 9: Realize that the prices for the baths are higher than quoted and that you are exactly 15 forints (7 cents) short.
Step 10: Walk 6 blocks to nearest money exchange.
Step 11: Walk 6 blocks back.
Step 12: Pay for bath entrance and 15 minute massage. Read the sign above the window in four languages that says that you must wear a bathing suit. Figure you will just wear your shorts.
Step 13: In locker room, attendent tells you in a mix of hand signals and Hungarian (which is not a Slavic language and is actually related to Finnish and Turkish, meaning it is Greek to you) that your shorts are not a bathing suit and that you must have a bathing suit. Try in English and then Russian to explain that these are bathing shorts in America. Attendent points that they have a zipper. Figure that the metal zipper might heat up in the pool and that makes sense. Attendent refuses to let you enter, but offers to rent a bathing suit for 600 forints. Decide you don't want to pay money for someone else's suit.
Step 14: Cross back to Pest. Go to hostel. Get boxer shorts, which, save for being cotton, are no different from the shorts seen on other men in the bath.
Step 15: Cross back to Buda. Walk back to bath. On the way, tendon on the top of your right foot pulls and begins to hurt. Walking several miles in cheap sandals was not good idea. Limping towards bath, tell yourself that all this trouble will make the relaxing nature of the bath much more worth it. It has been three hours since Step 1.
Step 16: Attendent tells you that your boxers are not a bathing suit and once again refuses to let you enter. A three-language mild-arguement ensues, during which neither of you understands a word the other is saying. Through hand signals, the attendent tells you that you can't go into the baths, but tells you to go get your massage and hands you a sheet. Annoyed, you walk into the massage room.
Step 17: Your masseuse is an amazingly fat man whose gut hangs over his pelvis like a gelatinous waterfall. He points at your boxers and says "take off". As others receiving massages are also nude, you do as instructed, placing your sheet on the massage table and getting on it.
Step 18: Lie naked on table while fat man rubs your ass.
Step 19: Realize entire massage consists of fat man absent-mindedly rubbing your muscles with one hand until a knot is found and shoving half his weight onto it. Not sure if it helps, but it certainly does not feel good. Realize (this being the second massage you have ever paid for, and the second time said massage has sucked) that it is not worth it to pay for massages. Resolve to stick to current regime of free massages from attractive women. Resolve to never pay for a massage again.
Step 20: Take sheet to attendent, who points to drop off area inside door that happens to lead to bath.
Step 21: Wonder what it is like to get kicked out of a Turkish bath and, after depositing sheet, keep going down the hall and then down the stairs to the bath area. The signs to the bath, very old, are in Hungarian and Russian. Wonder which Soviet luminaries came to Budapest to take part in its famed baths.
Step 22: In bath area: a large round, tiled pool beneath a green Turkish dome, natural light coming from small holes in the dome itself. The larger pool, which turns out to have tepid water, is flanked by smaller, rectangular pools, the water in them warm, but not hot. Behind the large pool is a sauna, cold pool and showers.
Step 23: Realize that you are being stared at by many of the middle-aged Hungarian men sitting in the pools. Wonder if it is because you are in boxers and not in a bathing suit.
Step 24: Sit in large pool. See one guy giving another a massage and mentally remark that Eastern European men are certainly more comfortable with each other than American men.
Step 25: Realize that the men are touching each other a little too amorously for it to be a massage. Realize that this is a gay bath.
Step 26: Recall that the Let's Go guide--the one that said that the bathing was nude--specifically cautioned gay readers that because Kiraly was traditional, man day did not mean gay day. Resolve to never trust Let's Go again.
Step 27: Having no problem with alternative sexualities, decide to stay. Stares continue. Realize that this is how women must feel in a club when being stared at. Rather than flattering, it actually produces a feeling of discomfort. Resolve to have empathy for women who wear revealing clothes at meat market clubs and then complain when middle-aged men stare at them.
Step 28: Decide to do this Ukranian Banya-style and do cycles of sauna/cold pool/shower. Whenever in one stage of this cycle, men gravitate in your direction. Realize that it is perfectly natural for them to assume you are gay, as you are standing in your boxers in a Turkish bath on gay day. Don't make eye contact, so they don't get the wrong idea. This seems to work, as none of them try to speak to you or touch you.
Step 29: On third time into sauna, walk in on something you shouldn't have. Quickly walk back out. Go to the pool and sit. Stares continue. Realize that discomfort is the exact opposite of desired effect of Turkish bath. Decide to leave, passing bath attendent, who sees you in my wet boxers and glares. After three hours of trying to get in, you have spent $15 and less than an hour at the baths.
Step 30: Run into three Peace Corps friends outside of bath. Knew they were coming to Budapest the day you were leaving, and so did not bother to arrange meeting. Explain gay bath situation. Their Lonely Planet guide says that Kiraly is gay on men's day, but also listed the days wrong, and so they thought today was women's day, hence their arrival. Still, company of Peace Corps females is welcome after a week of travelling alone, and decide that travel karma is on the upswing.
Addendum: Bought a speedo (all they were selling in Budapest) and went to mixed-gender bath with the girls. This one was much more touristy and not traditional in the slightest. It had jacquizis, whirlpools and swimming pools in addition to the thermal baths and saunas, and was very relaxing. Apparently I look good in a speedo, or so say the girls. I suppose if I want a professional opinion, though, I could go find the bath attendent
Today's Lesson: As both the "local" versions of caving and bathing were not as good as the later-bought "tourist" versions (I went on a cheap, crappy walking cave tour with a guide that only spoke Hungarian prior to paying more money for the cool cave tour), do not do the backdoor thing without a local. And do not do the Kiraly backdoor thing unless you are gay.